Stone Shocked

Making up my mind on the person I want to become really is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I keep finding my thoughts pondering on things that seems meaningless. I debate with myself every morning on which pair of socks to pick. I over think about my grades instead of actually studying like a normal student should. I consistently think about the things that I am doing wrong. I place too much of my devotion on people who really don't care about me at all. I listen to none stop music to block out the world. I think about the world. I think about the person that I'm supposed to be. I think about my mother and how in more ways than one, that I just CAN NOT end up like her. I think that I'm too harsh on my mother. Then my mind blunders about a million miles a minute about how I have exactly no clue as to what I want. Then abruptly I just give up on thinking all together, and try to focus on something other than all the things that don't make sense.
I start to focus on the things that do matter, that will always matter. I think about how important that I've got a family that supports me.  I start to realize that even though life can totally suck, it can totally be too sweet to realize. I try to focus on the memories of sitting at my grandmothers worn out wooden table waiting to eat hot steaming pancakes. I try to remember how excited I was the day I got my braces taken off. The day that I learned how to ride my bike without training wheels. The moment when I realized that I could write a paper, other than the fact of writting "write" on the paper. I remember the time when my sister Brittany and I used to dress up in my grandmother's clothes to look like fashionable ladies.
The things that do make sense, the things that speak to me are the people of my past and the moments we've shared. I think that that's why it's so hard to focus, now that I'm in college. I have been so used to my comfortable life of living in a world where there was an expectation for what I should be. Now that childhood is over, I feel like I'm swimming in unchartted waters. I don't know what to expect, the only thing I know is my past.
I need to move forward.

This Is My Voice

If society was a kind sister, I would tell her the truth.
I don't actually care about how much money I'm going to make doing lord knows what. When I say that I'm going to do something, believe or not, I don't want to hear about how challenging or how difficult it's going to be achieve it. I know what I'm in for, all I need is  support.
I believe in gay rights. I think that god put everyone on this earth to understand what love means. No matter if it's between a man and woman, a woman and a woman, or a man and a man. Love connects all of us. No matter religion or race or gender; we are all one. We are all made from one.
 If I had it my way I would diminish the evening news, and demand that all horrible and disappointing facts be stated at the beginning of the day, so I could sleep easy at night. The world is full of disappointment and outrage and negativity. We all know that. But there is also something else needed to be realized There is good too. There are people and moments that count more than hurt and suffering done by others. Accentuate the positive.
I don't mind silence, in fact I find it  comforting. You want to know something else?  I absolutely HATE politics, it's like giving people permission to argue. If people truly wanted this phrase of "world peace" wouldn't someone by now realize that arguing isn't going to get anybody anywhere? If people sat down and TRULY acted like civilized beings, instead of acting like caged animals; I believe there would be more sense and logic in our government. To make an impact of true care, we must first care about the voices of others.
And something else, I really don't want to hear someone's sob story about how horrible life is.
Life is what you ascribe it to be. To achieve great things, bold strong voices need to be projected. Voices that are going to lead people to belief in not power but in themselves. Self understanding opens the doors to live a life of true meaning and understanding.  Brilliance is not a gift, but rather earned and captured by self. The creation of thought is brought forth through struggle and self-discipline. Believe in yourself, but most importantly believe in god. He has plan for you. Though you may not understand, one day you will.

Screaming

 My body has been screaming at me. Screaming at me to listen to what it has to say. Screaming at the choices I make, and the people that I have let into my life. Gasping, it urges me to think one way only to be swayed toward another. I can't see. I can't breath. I can't feel what is there. I can only hear bits and pieces of it. I am surrounded in confusion. I am lost.
I don't feel that passion towards the things I once thought where love and defiance. I feel almost as if I'm a checkered board, only being used for only the play. And the thing of it is, it's my fault. I'm the one who kept pushing and pushing and pushing! I wouldn't take no for answer, and now that I have what I want, I am starting to realize it's never what I wanted at all. The context of my aspirations was not that of faulty meaning but of insouciance. I wanted to feel happy. I wanted to know the meaning of a pulsing heart. I looked past the sleepless nights, and the days when I didn't eat anything. I looked past what I wanted and those who were always there for me. I looked in the mirror to find only a person here for another. She didn't have a character, and her voice was nothing of her own. I was lost in the one person I thought understood everything, but the truth was he was just as lost as I.
My ignorance has caused me to doubt myself in the moment that I have needed belief more than anything else. My body weeps in terror, and I have to wonder do I even respect myself? Do I even think of what should properly be equipped to my wants and aspirations in life? Why do I play the melody of peace and hope, when I can not even hear the beat of my own heart?
I sit in silence and let the room surround in me it's color. This personality of vibrancy holds a meaning I can not define in myself. My eyes are closing to the thoughts of "what if" reactions. To sit and contemplate is no road that I have not been down before.
I am nothing more than a flower blowing in every which way the wind wants me. I am too selfless for my own good. My petals fall to the dismay of the lilies beside me, these people called "friends". I see beauty in their flaws, a perception that keeps me obsolete. I never know until it is too late. I wasn't planted for my own purpose, it seems. I was placed here for their ability to strive in life. I was placed here to help them become the people they are meant to be. Yet, I am lost.
Again my body screams, "LISTEN TO ME!" But no matter how concentrated I become, I can not hear what it is trying to say.

Thankful for Moments of Family

Thanksgiving is here once again and my mom has begun to make all the arrangements. The excitement of sweet potatoes and buttery rolls brings complete pandemonium in our household. I LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF IT! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and being that it's my last one as a kid makes it all the much more to savor. So here's to the wonderful day of TURKEY! Eat up America, and don't forget to say what your thankful for!

D          Y          N         A          M          I          C 

    

Becoming Accomplished

Growth

I'm growing.

I'm young.

I'm still learning.
I'm taking the plunge on my life
I'm taking one step at time
I'm becoming patient with myself
I'm building my life
I'm strong

I'm comfortable

I'm here

I'm me.

The Displeasure of the Truth

My sister Brittany is completely and utterly the most intuitive girl I have ever encountered in my life. Last night we had a conversation for about two hours about how we both viewed each other. I told her what I thought about her personality, and she intern told me about myself. I must say she knew quite a bit more than I of her.
I was like a transparency in her eyes; she could see right through me. My motives, the reasons for my reactions, my hidden (well I thought they were hidden) dislikes about myself. She was so clear and honest, at  moments I just couldn't help but cry. She read me like a book.
Out of this experience, I learned the most valuable information I have heard all week. Life is completely what one projects it to be.
If you don't love yourself, who's going to love you? If you don't tell people what's bothering you, how are they going to know what's wrong? If you give false pretences in order to please others, you will never ever please yourself. One has to encounter confronting others even when they don't want to. You can't avoid conflict, because just like every other accountancy in life you must deal with it. Hiding behind a mask of fake reasons, and silly notions in order to get a smile from society does nothing for the inner self contentment.
If you want to see change in this world, you have to be the one to do it. . YOU are the only person who can change your life. It doesn't matter what people expect or how they view you. What do you expect? How do you view yourself?
I learned so much from her. She really opened my eyes  to see myself for who I am. She's made me want to change how I view myself, and how I view others. I don't want to hide from the world anymore, or compare myself to the people around me. I want to embrace the given moment, and move forward one day at a time. These displeasing truths give me a cold harsh reality of how I am truly seen.
I have learned I can not control how the world sees me but of my own character. I have the power every day to make decisions and choices that will reflect my relationships.
My sister has made me hear the music that I have put mute. I think it would be right to admit in this post that I have been very selfcentered this past year. Focusing solely on myself and my wants in life. I feel the need to apologize to the ones I love and to myself.  I am going to do my best to change the ways in which I view my life and how I effect the lives of others.

Body of Self Creation

There is just something I love about dancers. The way they express themselves threw the movement of their bodies is so radiant. Each step is precise and copulated so smoothly, it leaves me pondering just how long one would have to practice. It's almost as if their grace was just perfected over night, as they flawlessly sweep across the floor.

I love the way ballroom dance perceives the vision of love and depicts the art of expression. The sparkling costumes, the defined tilt of the head, and the strength  in the frame the dancers makes it hard for one to look away. Every time I watch, I turn into complete awe and grow very envious. I would just kill to move like that.

Over and over they must practice, giving each movement as much attention as the last. Twirling and stretching begin to seem embedded into a dancers existence. Leaping into the air without a care, only to fall into the arms of a danseur. The ballerina lands in complete grace and complacency. Leaving only one word to fill my mind, beautiful.

They Hang On My Wall

These are my dreams:

1. One day I would like to work with the Doctors without Borders program

2. I would like to write a book

3. Attend college and major in Philosophy

4. Travel to India

5. See my best friend Kayla open up her bakery

6. Wake up every morning to the idea of possibility

7. Study abroad

8. Make my father proud of his daughter

9. Become a yoga instructor

10. One day when I am very old, I would like to have a house like the one in the movie Forrest Gump. I want to fill the walls with photos from all the chapters in my life. I would like to have knowledge surround me with a room just filled with books from authors all over the world. And in the evenings I want to sit on my porch swing and tell stories to the kids of the neighborhood about how I used to think silly things like computers were neat. But most of all, one day I want to look back on my life and say that I wouldn't have changed a thing. I want to live each  moment, as if it were my last.

Drink Up Buttercup!

These past two weeks my student council has started to take strides in a new direction. We are collecting pop tabs! Inspired by the WASC (Wisconsin Association of Student Councils) summer camp, our council is on the mission to earn as much as we possibly can to give to the Ronald McDonal house.  The more pop tabs we collect the bigger the difference we can make!

Once the Ronald McDonald House receives the tabs, they recycle them and the money  produced is sent to St. Jude's Childern's Hospital. It may not seem like much, because it's really not. All it takes is some dedicated soda drinkers and some ambition to really get anyone involved in the program.

I want to encourage anyone who has read or is just staring to read this blog to get involved! It means more to your community than you will ever know. So what are you waiting for? Drink up Buttercup!

Darkness Washes My Body

I don't know you any more
I don't understand your words
I don't want to
I can't move
I want to let go so badly
I want to know what I want
I want you to listen
I need to feel alive again
I scream, and you don't hear me
I am sad
I don't want to be hushed
I am not a child
I am angry
I am confused
I am empty inside and you don't even care
I just need someone
I need this pressure to go away
I want a fresh start
I want to feel whole again
I want to feel smart again
I can't decide what is right anymore
I'm just going through the motions
I press my cheek to the glass
I want you here with me
I don't want to hear it anymore
I want to escape this sickness

Letting Go

My whole life has seemed to be a waiting game. Waiting for the right moment, the right guy,  the right reasoning, the right support, the feeling of certainty of achieving happiness. I have consistently placed my aspirations on the back burner, waiting.
The thing of it is, I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to wait for the fairytale romance, or to be excepted to the school of my dreams. I want it all right now. Yes, let my voice declare in an utter aggressive tone, I want to stop waiting!

 I want to travel and really travel, not just to the lake but to the ocean. I want to see the sunrise over the black hills in the Dakota's. I want to see the water of the Caribbean. I want to be educated, and comprehensive of what the world has to offer. I want to spend one day where nothing else matters, just me and a book. I want to go rock climbing and let go of past mistakes. I want someone to listen, and truly listen. I want to feel validated for the person I am, not for what others perceive me to be. I want to feel love. I want to say what I want to say and not have to second question myself.

I want to embrace my life, and fill it up to the brim of happiness.

Swimming in Confusion

 This is my last year of high school and it's really starting to sink in that I'm going to be on my own next year. I can't sleep, I'm starting to eat too much sometimes too little, and most of all I'm starting to feel lost. I worried about where I'm going to be next year, I'm worried if I'm gonna choose the right school, or if I'll stick to my guns and go all four years. I'm starting to freak out about costs, event though my parents have told me a billion and one times it doesn't matter. In frank, I've began to swim in a mid-life crises! Things are just piling up one on top of the other and it's really just taking a tole on my life.
I really wish there was a pamphlet or a book that I could just download, staying "Here is the key to life, page one..." But despite my ever so creative thought, reality has just too much power, and I'm still at square one.
I feel like I'm at an intersection of my life, except there are no signs to which way to go. If  I do go to a four year school, I could  have a really good career but at the same time a massive pile of debt. If I go to a two year school first, I'm afraid I'll get scared into a career due the overwhelming thought of paying off student loans.
Maybe I  just need to stop, and find the off switch. "Live in the moment Courtney, you only get one shot at this." that's what my co-worker  told me other day.  Maybe life is just too over rated. Maybe I'm just contemplating too much. Maybe I just need to breath. Maybe I just need to live, and not worry. Maybe God knows something I don't. Maybe I need to acknowledge the beauty of life, and take view to my open future. And once again I'm contemplating...

Waiting

This post is my promise to myself in the future and for the rest of my life. I promise to never give up myself happiness for what other people expect they need from me.

Goodness

I have learned so much this summer, but I must say the one thing that stands out the most would be learning to listen to myself. After some serious thought and contemplation I have found that I do not value myself.

I was talking to a friend the other day, after we had a really entense conversation. I made the mistake of answering with the utmost enthusasum. I know I know I know, in society if someone hurts you or if you really tell them how you feel it is a time to be serious. Which is my worst trait, if not my weakness.

Being serious is very hard for me. Everything in life in some way or another has to be serious. Relationships, work, money, cars, life. It's just a list that doesn't end. When I want to say what I feel, and show emotional expression, I just feel guilty. I lose myself in the people I love and care for. It's almost as if I put myself in their shoes, before ever really walking in my own.
I know it's not right, and it's just plan silly. I'm always being told you need to place yourself first, you think too much about what other people think, you need to respect your own thoughts and feelings. So why world, why do I do the things I do?
Goodness, I must have repeated that question at least 12 or 13 times today, and it's only eight thirty in the morning. Man do I feel pathetic. I have spent my whole summer worrying and contemplating and stressing myself out for no logical reason.
I think it must be in my DNA to just worry all the time. I'm not solving problems, but merely adding gas to the fire. I worry so much that I can't think strait. My thoughts slur around, while confusion just plays like back ground music in an elevator. What is wrong with me? Why do I have to be so dang considerate all the time? 

It's so easy to get caught up in the world, I just start forgetting about the things that matter. Just as breathing is reactionary,  I let myself drift off into complication without even thinking about it.

Goodness... Sanity please come and find me. Knock at my door and come for a visit. I have missed you and your company.

Image in the Mirror

 In all honesty my life lately has been anything but great. I've began to look at colleges and I must say I find the experience much more over whelming than I thought I would. My family has been on the rocks this past summer, and I'm starting to feel almost as if nothing is in my hands anymore. I'm now starting to understand the feeling of being that "lost puppy". Sort of like the one in the movie Annie, that just mops around waiting to be found.
The thing of it is I don't really need anyone to come and  find me, I need to find myself. I have no idea as to what I wish to become in this most endeavouers society. And from a previous experience this summer, I have found that money is no object in whatever my future occupation might become. Yes, I like any other human being do wish for security which money does provide. At the same time I don't feel a need to have an over barring amount. Forrest Gump's moma once said that a person only needs so much money until they start showing off. I must say that I agree with this statement 100%.
I don't want to lead my life in wonder, at the same time I don't want to live in uncertainty either. At one point my life I thought I truly had it all figured out. I had the school, the plan, and the ambition to dive into it all without looking back. But... (there just always has to be a "but" doesn't there?) like almost all plans in life, things change. Moments turn into hours, simple strangers turn into best friends, and promises to self turn into rather vague and slurred memories.
I can honestly say I am not the same person as I was when I was when I started this blog, at the age of 13. I have inherited a voice, beliefs, morals, and set of personal standards. I once read a quote that said, "Life is what happens while your making plans", and I just can't stop thinking how very true that is in regard of my life.
There just comes a time when you can't live in lala land forever. It doesn't matter how hard you try, you can never escape the inevitable.  I wanted so badly to hear that the world really wasn't as horrible as everyone says it is. I feel as if though, I was wrong. I feel like life has just taken repetitive slaps to my face. Turning me this way and that way, screaming WAKE UP! SMELL THE COFFEE! And boy has it been brewing...
I would love to just vent all day, but I know that would not be an interesting post for either of us. I would just love to tell you the lie. The lie that I'm perfect and that every night when I rest my head to my pillow that I don't worry to an endless degree.
I'm normally great at the whole uplifting thing and the positivity normally is as ever flowing as the Mississippi. I just feel  I've met my match; the damn of a repressive midlife crisis. I'm starting to be asked adult questions like: Where do you want to go to school? or my ever so favorite "What do you want to be?" They just give me this look waiting to be in awe or utter surprise in a long title, or an impressive long term commitment towards an endearing career with all the extra perks of the first class.
To their dismay, and my own as well, I don't know how to even approach an answer to these questions. It feels like their eyes begin to just glaze into my soul searching for an answer. Meanwhile my mouth goes dry, and my mind just assumes the position of a blank sheet of paper. No words. No response. I'm sure the whites of my eyes show, or my odor of insecurity gives truth to the only answer I can really give. I don't know. After a minute or two they'll change the subject and move onto something more interesting like weddings or whatever else a conversation can form into.
But in those two short minutes, I truly do wish I could respond. I want to give a meaningful answer, not for their sake of light conversation, but rather to feel that sense of self-preservation. I want to feel in control of my life again.
On another note, there's also a notion that I've been pondering...Why is it so easy for people to just assume that I want a job with tons and tons of money? I must say that I have had job, and I must admit with all honesty money was no incentive to keep me going everyday. It didn't matter to me that I was getting payed or not, I simply just did not like being there. Now I fully understand that in this economy I should be utterly thankful that I had a job, and that every two weeks I did receive a paycheck. But.. (see told you there's always a "but") I simply just didn't care for it. So I gave it up, I gave it up for someone who would appreciate it and value it for the right reasons.
Being that I am 17 years old and growing up in a household where every dollar counts, I do understand the importance of money. At the same time another lesson I endeavored, in my youth, was to respect myself.
As I sit here and type these words out to you my ideas are beginning to flow. This just occurred to me but I believe that part of the reason I may lack a response to these questions is that I do in fact know how to answer. No I can not yet explain to the depths of a pure reason from my own opinion, but I do know what they want me to say.
I have a hunch it would go a little something like this..."I want to go into medicine and save lives. I've always loved working with people, and the pay isn't that bad either. And I think that once I'm employed I'd love to settle down and maybe think about having children one or two..." I imagine their lips would part into a smile, and their arms would show a purposeful approval offering up a gleeful hug or two.
The reason I know the response so well is because that was my original plan. That's what I thought I wanted and more than anything they wanted it too. I had approval and support. Again though I don't believe I would be telling the truth if I gave such a response, because in my heart I know it would be wrong. I don't long for all of those things, at least not in that perspective.
I do want to save people. I do want to make a difference, but I want to be embraced for doing it my own way. Not because that's what someone is expecting me to do, or because they show approval. I want them to respect my decisions because I made them on my own. I want to be embraced for the person that I am.
I once asked my mom that if she had the choice to do it all over, to marry my father and thus have us, if she would and her response was unexpected. She told me, "No". She then went on to explain that it wasn't because she didn't love my father, or didn't enjoy us being her children. She explained that it was more of a personal thing. As a child my mother did not grow up with the same privileges that I or my sisters do today. My mother was the eldest of four children, and really grew up without a mother figure. My grandmother was always working, so there really wasn't much time for my mom to consider leaving the house with friends or going out on a Saturday night. She lacked freedom, and her soul was not one to just be settled. She was adventurous. At the age of 16 she went to Mexico, and by the time she turned 18 she was headed for Spain. She had a zest and flavorful approach to life, that most others don't even seek while going through the steps of growing up. She then went on to meet my father, and well you can guess the rest of the story.
I think that I'm similar my mother's adventurous spirit; I too long to see the world. I too do have a different way at looking at life.
In a way I believe I know what they want me to say, at the same time I know that's what I don't want deliver on. I simply just do not what to live my life in regret.

Look Beyond YourSelf

Hidden

Though it has not always been displayed, behind these eyes there is a meaning. A picture can mean a thousand words, but it's true meaning is never really understood. If a foot makes an impression in the sand, is it just a foot print? Or could it mean something else?
These past few months I have began to discover myself. I understand now that I can not grasp every idea or concept thrown in my direction. And despite my ever so worrying mind, it is not wrong or inappropriate to say that I can't handle every situation on my own. I am not superwoman. I can not save everyone from their mistakes, even if I wanted to.
I don't have all the answers, and at times I will admit I don't have a clue to what's going on around me. Half the time I find myself worrying about other people or things that I've said or have done in the past. I've been living in regret, something I promised myself along time ago that I would never do. It wasn't until quite long ago I had a friend of mine come up to me and ask, "Why do you consistently place pressure on yourself to be something your not?" Her question was so blunt and so strait forward, she caught me off guard. I couldn't scrounge up words toward a logical explanation. I felt so foolish, but at the same time I couldn't help but think about how right she was.

This past year I have been living in the shadows of what I thought was happiness. A happiness consisting of helping others and making sure that I was there for them for anything that was thrown their way.  I would spend countless nights reassuring my friends that things were going to get better, that life had a bigger plans in store for them. I tried to keep the reassurance flowing, but each time I reacted I felt weak. I started listening in away that wasn't helpful or healthy for my own benefit. I started to believe that they were right. I started to believe that I wasn't good enough anymore, who was I to say things would get better if I myself had never went through their experiences. I started to lose myself in shrewed shattered depictions of disbelief.

I became the Miss America of artificial meaning. I pretended to be happy because that's what kept people satisfied. I felt like I had to present an image. I thought if I acted like nothing was wrong, nothing would be wrong. My choices left me in a feeling of hollow meaning, I could no longer express myself. I was just another face in the crowd, only allowing myself to be seen when needed. 

Later this summer I got the chance to attend a leadership camp. Most of the kids were just heading toward their sophmore year, while I was headed for my last year as a senior. I really didn't think much of the camp, to me it was just another workshop for school. But as the week progressed I started to understand a little more than I entended. I started to trust my own decisions, truly listening to what others had to say, and had grew a strong graditude towards others for truly listening to myself. For once I didn't feel like I had to pretend to be anything, people actually respected me for being me. It wasn't because I was on a sports team or the head of my student council or who I hung out with. It was because I was myself, I had placed my own impression on centerstage. My imprintes always had meaning, it was just a matter of my own self belief.

I truly believe WASC camp saved my life. For once I could listen to my voice without the hesitating toward the choice of word useage. I could express myself. I was given enstructive encouragement, blunt acusations, and encouraging hugs for never giving up. I found that I was never truly hidden from the world, I was only hidden from myself.

I truly do believe that life is what you make of it. It doesn't matter if your rich, have a family, travelled around the world and back, or if you've learned to fly without wings. And so I have come to a conclusion, I believe that the only way I could ever fail in life is if I allow myself to watch it pass me by. There is no meaning in wasting the gifts in which any person is given, what does deserve designation is embracing your potential with the fullest ambition  possible.

Breath

I believe that to win one must lose. It's not a matter of winning a prize or a trophy, what it does have to do with is how you play. The pieces are sprawled out on the table waiting for me to react to their presence. Amused and excited, with curiosity, I quickly grab my pieces. The colored cards fan out in expression. They are full of: mistakes, sweet moments, lonely absences, surprises, understandings, confession, optimistic goals, laughter, reflections of what could have been, and heartfelt secrets that we learn to carry beside any experience.
My counter parts flee to their own hidden destination, looking to strive towards their goal. They enter the game not to win but to gain lucidity. Their strategy is to win everything they can, even if they have to lose.
With each experience we are taught a lesson. It doesn't matter if it's to listen and be a good friend, or to judge what is right and what isn't. What we take away from that moment in time is not what we have won, it's what we have learned to understand about ourselves.
Through the dark there is light. Motion moves us to and fro, growing older we begin to understand. Childish games are hard at times, they challenge us in the most harsh ways. Yet they form us to be the people that change the direction of the world. We make the game, we play by the rules, yet each time we do we find something hidden in the directions.
I don't believe that anybody ever wins in the same way another person. The game of life is full of twists and turns, but the each person reacts complies it's their meaning. Taking a chance; we roll the dice. We learn to play with our hearts. We learn to except the unexpected, we learn to breath within the moments we are dealt.

Marching in No Direct Definition

Okay here we go! I'm sick of the expected, and I'm tired of trying to meet every ones expectations. It seems the world keeps asking where do you want to go for college? What do want to be? Oh well you know that's gonna be expensive blah blah blah! All of these questions make me want to run into my room duck quietly under the covers and stay hidden for all of eternity. I do NOT know where I want to go to college I do NOT know what I want to become, and for heaven sake what in the world isn't expensive?!

I'm starting to lose my mind. I feel like a puppet; one minute I'm being pulled in this direction only to be skewed to the opposite back drop. My father a man who has always pushed me to do my best, be the best, try my best seems to have vanished. It goes a little something like this... I pick a school get really interested, talk about it, learn about it, try and absorb information about it and then proceed to ask if we can go and visit. He then clicks the power button to his 2011 dell lap top clicks into google and types the name of the so called horrifying school, and the proceeds to find something wrong with it. It doesn't matter what it is, either it's too far away, or it's in a city, or it cost to much blah blah blah. Let me ask you a question here, now what in the world have any those things have to do with the price of tea? Tell me what's SO wrong with wanting to venture out into the world and figure out what you want?

Now I'm not trying to be a know-it-all, but I must say I'm running out of time and options here!!!! All I have is this summer, the lovely summer of 2011 and I do NOT plan on being in uncharted waters for much longer. This journey of seeking out my so called perfect college would be a heck of a lot easier if my parents would actually help me rather than cut me down at every idea I get. I'm going to be 18 years old for crying out loud, yes I'm going to be an ADULT! Yes I don't want to be bossed around, but at the same time  I would like some guidance and a little support wouldn't hurt either. I don't believe I'm asking too much here.
Oh goodness I'm complaining again, sorry about that. I just can't help but feeling like one of those monkey's locked up in the zoo playing on my fake tree, and wondering where and the heck is the wilderness? Where is this place that I'm actually supposed to be? I know I do not belong in one of the most prestigious jungles such has Harvard or the beloved Yale university. No I think I'd rather stay clear of those explorations.
But what I do know is this. I am a good student, and I'm a hard worker. I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty, I welcome any challenge. And yes I am not perfect, but who is?  I'm a Mallinger and if it one thing my grandfather has always taught me it's never to give up. I want to go to college, I want to step foot in liberal arts school, and I want to learn.
I want to learn about the world, about politics, art, writing, philosophy, and just whom this person I'm destined to be is. I want to venture gosh darn it, I want to venture into the unexpected. I no longer want to read about it any more, or hear stories. I want it for myself, I want the experience. I want to study abroad. I want to find the meaning to my life. I want to seek out the taste of existence.
It seems Pressure wants me to fail, it shoving me up against a fence like a bully at recess. Screaming at me it asks what are you going to do about it? My answer is: I'm walking away.  I'm walking my own way. You can fight endlessly in circles about what you want me to do, but I'm not you world I am me. And becaue I'm not you, I'm not going to be like you.
 At the end of the day it simply does not matter what everyone else wants. This is my life, these are my choices. They effect my future, and the way I'm going to live my life. I understand that protecting your family is a trait cross stitched into the DNA of the fathers of America, but so is encouragement. We are only blind to towards what the world has to offer, when we know longer want to see it's light. The truth is I can't stay hidden forever,  people make up the world and hiding from it is like hiding from myself.

There aren't always going to be paths consisting of no effect, it simply isn't logical. I'll tell you one thing though my path is going to be rich with experience. I'm going to learn to fly; no matter if I receive wings or not.

I Hate the 21st Century Beauty

If it weren't for this word thousands of young woman would not die from an eating disorder, spend carelessly on so called "labels", go through diet after diet just because they want to fit into the perfect pair of jeans.  But I think the worst part about this word, in all its sincerity, is that it's fake.
  The word into todays society is all about conforming. But I think it's true diffinition was secured.
  To Coco Chanel it was in the form of clothing, to early 18th century painters it was in the purity of the human body, to me it displayed it's self in the direction of making a difference.
Last summer I volunteered at my local hospital. My job was simply to discharge patients and take them from there hospital rooms to there cars. I was 16. At this point in my life all I had ever dreamt about was becoming a doctor. I loved life, I loved people, and I loved the fact that every Thursday afternoon that I got to spend four hours in a hospital. Little did I know that my making a difference wasn't just changing the lives around me. I was changing who I was as a young person. 
I began talking to patients about what they were doing come the weekend, or we'd have a little chat about weather ( needless to say if you ever need an ice breaker, the weather is always a safe bet) and complain how it gets too hot in July.  But sometimes  our simple words of innocents familiarity would form into a story that was not just simply a hello and goodbye type of situation. We would meet each other.
I remember I was discharging a very soulful elderly woman of the name Rose, we were waiting for the elevator to close. The elevator music hummed in quiet beat, then out of the blue the Rose asks me, "Darling are you a nurse?"
 I simply replied, " No ma'am I'm a volunteer. But I think one day I would like to become a doctor or maybe something in health care." The elevator dinged with approval that we had made it to the first floor.
 "My daughter was a nurse, and she loved her job darling. I think darling that you should become a nurse." From the outside we were just too strangers walking out of a hospital building, but on the inside I felt like was talking to a real life angel. She believed in me, she did not hide herself or conceal who she was. We talked for rather a period of seven minutes, but in that time I had figured something out.
It doesn't matter how much effort you put into yourself, or how much effort you put into yourself.  What matters in life is being complacent in who you are, and giving back to the life that has built you up to the person you are to become.

I don't want to come to the negative notions of the fakeness in "Beauty", I don't want to conform. I must say this most likely will not make sense to my reader, but I must type this out for the pure purpose of my own condolences. I don't want to be society's diffination of beautiful anymore, I want to capture my own depiction. I want to be me.

A Random Moment of Nothingness

At this current moment in time I am 17 years of age.  My hair is still curly and I am still as active as I was at the age of 7.  I have fallen deeply for Elizabeth Gilbert, and I believe her book is the best I have ever read Eat, Pray, Love.  I have a hobby of collecting quotes and getting lost in the library. Sometimes when no one is looking I like to spend useless amounts of time seeking out information that has absolutely nothing to do with my life. I do not drink soda, and I have strong disliking for touching raw meat.  I do not know what I want to become in this lovely society.  My dog is about forty pounds. I went to state for poetry and got gold. My free time consists of writing, taking pictures, and long pointless conversations.  I don't care much for the glory or the titles of perpetual accomplishments. I like to explore the world around me, and at times I am very bored with life. Such as now. My bedroom walls are of pure white, lacking personality with a dull complexion. I have no clue as to where I want to go to college.  I just recently got a job. I do not have a car. One day I want to see Colorado. I love vanilla ice cream. My favorite drink is tea. I think it would be fantastic to join a yoga class, and learn to ballroom dance. Italy has always been a dream of mine, and one day I'm going to see it. Traveling is a goal. I like the taste of strawberries. When I start something I can't wait to see how it turns out. Before I read any book I try to read the last page first. I have watched When Harry Met Sally over 40 times. I love dishing out advise even though I can't always take it. I laugh every day. I try to take one step at a time. I am a consistent worry wort. Taekwondo is amazing, in my eyes. My dad has always been an inspiration to me. I can't spill I mean spell. When I was little I wanted to go to Iowa State University in the worst way. I have been a blogger since I was 13 years old. The farthest I've ever biked was eight miles. If I could I would spend my whole day chilling out in a Barnes and Noble book store. I am easily amused. I love watching baseball. I'm not afraid to be loud, nor to be quiet. When I am old I want to surround myself in a beautiful garden and thousands of books and pictures of all the places I've seen. Day dreaming has always been a strong trait. I have to laugh at that too. There are no words left.

Bring it to me

I want my path to flow in a waving tone. I want to feel a live, and laugh with my heart. My eyes have cried too many tears, my mind has pounded with too many fears, and I'm ready for my destiny to unfold in something positive. I would love to tell you the lie. The lie that my life is perfect, that by merely asking god for forgiveness I feel better about who I am and what I've done but I won't.
I am not perfect, I have made many mistakes. I have lied to myself, and gave to much advise to people who never really needed it anyway. I was the one who needed it. I was the one who neglecked myself. I was the one who lied to myself, and gave into the negative notions and ideas. I did it, and I know it was wrong. Pitty has filled my stomach, shame has taken capture of my hands, and guilt has held me down and enabled me to forgive myself.  But yet hope flows through my veins.
The peircing sound of heart beats louder as I protest against myself. It says... don't give up. Your almost there. I'm here for you. Do you hear me? I love you. Yes I love you, and you can get through this because your strong enough. Because your good enough, because all that you are and all that you are to become is more beautiful than anything you could ever imagin.  Your heart is not stollen, you never gave me away. I'm still beating, and I'm waiting. I am waiting for you to realize that I will always be there for you girl, but I can't be if your not here for me. God gave me to you so you could feel alive. Yes he gave me to YOU.
My mind seems to always give into the negative notions, the horrable acts. No matter how hard I try, it's never enough. Frankly I'm tired. I'm tired of who I've been and what I've became.
I used to be happy and full of life. I used to look forward to things, and projects and school. Lately my passions have hit the shan, and gone to the pits. I'm not the girl I once knew, nor am I a woman.  I'm just here, to be here. I don't know what to say or who to speak to, so I type. Yes I send pointless information about myself out into a world of creepy computer geeks and girls with false addresses.
I'm ready to find myself, and truly love me for me. I want to listen to my heart, bring it to me.

be YOU

I am not a perfect person. My hair is not in wavy golden locks, my hand does not rise to every invitation of a question, my thoughts do not revolve around the perception of my one love. I think for what I feel, I express my opinions, I show who I am with the writ of my text. Being in this world of expectation I have been consumed by my counter parts in being "mischievous". My thoughts are purely complex in the eyes of their bestower, but not so welcome in the greeting of others.
Honesty is my policy. If I can't say it to your face I plan on not saying it at all. We were born in the manifest of glory to show who we are as people, and nothing less.  Hiding from what others may think is not acceptable is not honorary, it's rather ridiculous. We are special and unique and brilliant and stronger than what we may give our selves credit for. This lesson took me a while to understand.
I used to play this game called, " I will be who you want me to be, if you except me". In truth, nobody told me that the game could never be won. Nobody can ever: love, befriend, or even except you if you don't except yourself. 
It has taken me a long time to finally reach this point in my life, and I've got to say that I'm happy I've finally reached  the finish line. My race was a consistant challenge of fighting who I knew I always was, and the person people expected me to be. I truely believe that for someone to learn what they truly want out life, they stop asking what other people think, you have to think for yourself.
 To become who we truely are destined to become we must first and formost make mistakes. In the end we look at what we have accomplished, and what we have discarded. It's not always easy to place the pieces together, but as we grow and sorrt out our thoughts, the puzzle begins the fill in itself. I am now a stronger person because of the mistakes I have made, and now have excepted who I truly am.
My piece of advise I must say; never become someone else's expectation of yourself, because you will never be truly happy. Be true to who you are.

The Pearl

She was a simple girl, with simple tastes.  She walked with a passion for life. Her eyes were the purest of the sea, seeing more than what was set in front of her. Beauty would not be the word to describe her, she was too stunning, too intellectual, too pure.  She took life as it came, she was in no rush. Hate was something of a word she found to be useless. She loved with a her whole heart, and said it like she saw it. There were no games, lies, or mischief that touched her soul. She was a woman of her word. A lady with the divine taste of sweetness.  She made friendships with her enemies, and became sisters with her friends. If love had a face it would bestow in her countenance. Her actions were not meant for others to judge, they were for her and only her. With the softness of a kitten and the determination of a lion this cat was unique. She was a  pearl, surrounded by the expectation of being a diamond. She was a woman.      

I Believe

I believe when you look me in the eye, that I'm good enough.
I believe that when you want to let your true colors show, that your a rainbow.
I believe that your light was meant to shine brighter than the sun ever could
I believe laughter will always give me the peace I desire
I believe talking to you makes me stronger
I believe love of friendship will always overcome any obstacle
I believe the truth will always speak louder than the lies of deception
I believe snow makes me think of Christmas
I believe that my first kiss will be one I will never forget
I believe my hair looks like a mess
I believe my heart roaring with passion to make words dance across this paper
I believe when I'm ready things are gonna happen
I believe running makes me come alive
I believe with the encouragement of my family I will always achieve whatever obstacle I am challenged with
I believe that you have all ways known my secrets
I believe music will never stop taking me by the hand
I believe that rain starts the beginning we have been longing for
I believe dreams are the true passions to which we lead our lives
I believe that one person can change the world
I believe that I am strong
I believe my shadow will always be smaller than the light that is bestowed on me
I believe a hug shows the meaning of what love is all about
I believe that one day love will find me
I believe that when I say I will do something I will achieve it
I believe dreams do come true
I believe in the lord
I believe that love will solve all things
I believe breakfast is the best part of my day
I believe when I tell you the truth that you will believe me
I believe the weather will always effect my mood
I believe my mind is ready to wonder
I believe close friendships will take us farther than any relationship ever will
I believe one day I will kiss the rain, not in it but it itself ;)
I believe war is not the answer
I believe my eyes have witnessed a miracle
I believe one day I will wear white
I believe hands tell the stories we can't put into words
I believe the older you become, the more life leads you to better things
I believe in your honesty
I believe everyone needs someone sometimes
I believe that no amount of money will ever be enough to figure out the true meaning of  life
I believe that one day cancer will be solved
I believe in the end we all have done something amazing
I believe the sky is too beautiful to call it beautiful
I believe I love yellow
I believe my dreams are endless
I believe I can hear them talking, while I'm walking away
I believe that life will always be better than what we think it should be
I believe reading will never stop surprising me
I believe the water is too cold to jump into, you have to feel it around you and explore it
I believe my spirit is strong and my support system will always be stronger
I believe in the quote of the day
I believe that when you show me what your really feeling, that that's when your the most beautiful
I believe Hershey's chocolate is too sweet
I believe that when I look into the depths of your words I will always discover what makes you mean more than what you say
I believe there is always more than one answer to the problem
I believe postal mail will always mean more than an email
I believe sugar cookies are the best
I believe when I set my mind to something I can do it
I believe my heart is open
I believe when I blog I open up doors that I never knew existed
I believe a good conversation with a good cup of coffee will always make my day a better one
I believe that one day I will save a life
I believe god has put faith in my hands
I believe that to make a wish you have to first accomplish one
I believe that your smile will always capture the true feeling of what I bestow in my heart for you

Me Myself and I

I am myself my own person. Take me as you please I will not change. I'm not your girl, nor your honey. I am a woman of my own. I am the person who succeeds on her own, who falls only to pick herself up. Whispers are nothing, words are mere puzzled adjectives of mixed confusion. I know the truth, the meaning to which none seem to know. There is no answer to the fool who knows it all. For too long I had played that game of guesses. Your words have no effect on me. Your eyes of wonder must ponder on some new subject, for my concentration is on nothing of your matter. The color of young insecurity does not condone my thoughts, it subjects them to the art of what I have long looked over. My passions are far from you, long down the road of forgotten moments, and mystic shadows of nothing. Your scent has evaporated into the world of millions. You are just another face, another two pair of deceiving eyes, a coward of many words but no actions. A sharp tongue you disguised, seeped through my heart and stool it with lies. Your fake cruel intentions did me well, for I'm stronger than before. Close up the shop and lock the door, lie to yourself because I can't listen any more. And when you think your through laugh at your own silence because my love is lost I can't comprehend you. Shallow is the depth of your soul, gliding over pure life with an envy glow. Anger fills your heart, but only for a moments show. So down this yellow brick road I go, forgetting you.Thanks for the lesson. It only takes so long before a new game begins, one that you'll never win.

Answers

Just Breath.

Lover

I don't understand love, my mind just can't grasp the subject. Is it really true that all of us were put on this planet to find that special someone, and share our whole world with them? Or is that just nature's way of making it more than just the simple act of which we are made for, to reproduce.

It's simple isn't it? Guy meets girl. Guy talks to girl.  Guy asks girl out (can be vise versa just  a scenario). Girl plays hard to get. Guy tries harder.  Girl says yes. And in a few short months it blossoms into something else, and so on and so forth. She gets pregnant, he gets a job, and the cycle just repeats itself.

The thing is I long for this silly thing called "love" not because I necessarily feel like I need someone. But because I think it's programmed into us, to want it. I think we are all destine to follow the rules of attraction, whether we want to or not. It doesn't matter if we are strait, gay, lesbians, bisexuals, or whatever else we are we all want the same thing and I want to know why!

We can't help who we love, it's an uncontrollable action . But why does it happen? A body is composed with parts: you have your lungs, your heart, your bladder, your throat, the list goes on and on. All in which work together for one main purpose, to keep you alive.  Your body knows whats good for it: you eat healthy, workout, keep yourself clean, all natural functions. We know the rules of manhood, it is in our nature.

But in love there aren't parts. There isn't a main purpose for it. We just want it, without really knowing why. You don't need it to live, but some say they couldn't live without it.

Naturally we all want someone to talk to, or spend time with. Maybe that's the reason we long for "love" so dearly.  Or maybe it's really just the grasp of sexual contact.  Our whole culture is obsessed with sex, it's in the news, it seeps through the innocents in Disney movies, it's in every magazine known to mankind. Just level with me here. If we weren't created to reproduce, what would be the reason behind man and woman? 

Maybe I should just give up and agree with societies expectations of me. A teenage girl in search for a guy who "really cares", and believes he's her world blah blah blah. Some may say I'm wrong, but isn't that a little arrogant to pretend to want something you really don't.

I know that I must sound like I'm fighting the laws of attraction, something my teenage self should be a shamed of, but I'm not.  I'm venturing away from the land of "Teenage Love" and into the world of "What If". And I don't think this trip is going to be a quick one. My question still remains the same, and I plan on finding my anwser.

 

Morning

There is something about morning, that I have fell in love with. The stillness, the soothing trangquility of the birds, the silience of the sun rising. It's as if the world has been sleeping for a million years, and everything is coming to life again. The trees sway in the wind, the feilds of long grass wisp across the medow. Everything is so peaceful, so right in it's own little way. The flowers bloom with the sweet sent of a new day.

Air

I fear that I can not explain my feelings in words any longer. Only the air knows how I feel, how it moves the trees back and forth, it's so empty but so full at the same time. I can look in the mere and see nothing. I don't feel anything. I don't feel love nor passion or strength for the person that I am. I don't feel like a child, nor do I feel like an adult. It almost as if I'm trapped in this vishis circle of nonsense. Get up, take dog out, brush teeth, throw on a fake smile before I'm out the door, greet everyone with a little small talk, get through the day with out blowing up, go home, take dog out (again), work, eat, read, sleep. I feel nothing.

I can't go on like this, I hate myself. I hate the way I sway my thoughts back and forth, tumbling and turning in my mind.  I don't get why I am like this, I don't understand why I don't do stupid things like everyone else. I don't get why I worry about everyone and everything all the time.I carry fear in my eyes, and sadness in my heart.  I feel like I'm just here, just watching over others. Almost as if I am here to save them from something. I don't feel like the normal teenage person.

 I don't worry about guys looking at me, or what my makeup looks like. I could care less about what's so called "in" and what isn't. I don't wear jewelery or fancy clothing, I don't text none stop or gossip about what I saw in Bio today. I don't feel anything, I just feel empty. I don't remember the last time I got excited or really thought about something. I just feel like air, I am here but nobody really sees me for me. They only see what they want to see.

David Gray - Sail Away

Shadows in the Light

I am a shadow in this world of light. Light shows me a path to follow that I may or may not like. I am given the choice is to choose which way to go. I dread the decisions that may effect my life the most, but excitement fills my body when I'm about to try something new.  If I could seek into the future, and see what is to come maybe life wouldn't be so frightening. The fact is I can't. 

I can't be dreamer forever, I have to grow up, I have to face the light sometime or another.  I think it's the change that scars me the most. I am so scared of getting older, all I've ever been is young. I see so much bad around me, so much fear and hatred in this world, I begin to forget about the good in other things. For once I want to follow that light of fear, and see where it leads me. I'm sick of living in the dark, I want to truly live my life.

 I think that's why I run so much. I'm not running to prove something, I'm running because if I can escape from my problems and not face them, I don't have to worry about them. I am ready to go into the light, I am ready to see what it has in store for me.

Music

The more I listen to different types of music, the more I get to understand myself. Each song, full of melody, and a certain distinct feeling that can't be expressed in writing or in word of the mouth. The rhythm shows me something new something different, something that I have over looked. Something that is just so simple so complex, the feeling of anxiety washes from my body. It opens my eye to show me the mere simplicity I have let vanish from my world, of uncertainty and worry. I am left with nothing but the earning for more, to here more, to want to more, to be more, to be at one with myself.  It seeks itself all around me, and acts almost as if a blanket of comfort. It makes me want to sway,and move to the rythm.

Music is something so unique, unlike anything else. It makes me feel things I never knew I could. Music takes me higher than any plan could, but yet my feet stay planted to the ground. It shows me the true depths of reality, and the great fun in fantasy. Oh music what would this world come to without you?